:( me too

I am an absolute mess!
I suppose I'm feeling accountable, but convicted is more like it.

* I haven't been taking my meds properly
* My weight is easily back to where I started, if not higher
because...
* I have not been working out
* I have been eating like Armageddon is around the corner (speaking of which, have we ever had this many horrific events in one week?)
* I am having issues with Nathaniel's behaviour which made for a mother's day not quite as I expected it, and I am just at the end of my rope with him right now.
* Work has become stressful, culminating with the fact that one of our employees is going to be terminated at a critical time of the year and I will have to absorb at least SOME of her duties when I already feel overloaded
* Our house is an absolute disaster and our feeble attempts to get things up and running are constantly sabotaged by my own laziness, fatigue and not-giving-a-crap
* I have felt terrible lately, mostly due to some potential neurological issues/and or impending allergy season, but most likely due to items 1 - 3

I am completely back in crisis mode AGAIN and the thought of breaking this all back down again and starting somewhere is enough to make me want to crawl in a corner somewhere. I suppose I HAVE been doing that to some extent. I have been taking some extra long weekend naps lately.

I can't even begin to think of where to start.

I feel what you both are saying about the sweets, I think that that is one of my hugest hurdles but will be the hardest to overcome. I even told Eric that I would nix the sweets if he would work on his smoking because it's the only thing that I feel that closely to. He made some excuse about it meaning that HE would have to give up sugar too and that's where the conversation stopped.

I am just really depressed and discouraged now, because I don't feel like I have made or held myself accountable for my actions for a long time.

Sorry to be such a downer, but that's probably why I haven't been writing. I wish that I had better news to share.

I hope that you are getting back on track.
What can we do TODAY to start digging our way out of this?

Getting back on track...

Okay, so I don't have the excuse of breaking my @ss to not be doing so hot with my goals. But whatever.
It's over with, I'm going to do the best I can from here forward.

I took Nathaniel and worked out on Saturday, it was SO fun!
He had a kids class at the church from 9 am - 11 am and after it was over, I planned to take him with me to the local Y and have him hang out there for a bit. I guess that their childcare on Saturdays runs from 9 - 11, so I missed the boat. However, the gym is really small and not widely attended so the employee said that as long as he stayed with me he would be fine.

He by me on the eliptical and the treadmill, and I officially have my own 4 year old trainer! "You aren't going fast enough, Mommy." "Run for me, Mommy, faster!!!"
So I beat myself up on both machines, not for long because it's been too long since I worked out.
Then we head into the track room. We both shot baskets, which was great. They have a few hoops inside for the grown-up types and a basketball game over by the child care room.
THEN... we raced. :) They have a 1/8 mile track, complete with lanes, so we raced two or three times.
THEN... I did some leg weights which happened to be where all of their gymnastic stuff is, so while I lifted, he flipped and flopped around.
Then we headed out. He LOVED it. I think it's really cool and he told me on the way out he loved exercising so we make that a regular thing on the weekend.

I am also thinking about ordering this:

This guy is a saint with a web group I frequent and I think his stuff is worth a shot. My neuropsych really wanted me to start fitting in exercise whenever I can and I think this is what I need to help me get a little more motivated.

I am doing okay on taking my meds as well, finally got out the ol' nursing home day of the week pill dispenser, I think that will help me to stay on track. I want to make sure that it's not that I *THINK* that I'm doing a good job and skipping a few days of the week.

The break in the weather has really helped to improve my mood. Our forecast is fab for the whole week, so I'm hoping that will help me stay on an upward swing...

Okay, my ladies... how are YOU doing???

Day one... welcome to day one...

Hello. Sorry for the link, but I can't help but hear these two in my head every time I think about the title of today's entry. :)

"Today" actually started last night for me. I had a particularly tough day yesterday, because I'm essentially doing 2 jobs right now (software trainer/help desk and my regular job). By the time I got home I was having one of those you'd-better-lay-down-or-who-knows-what-will-happen feelings. So I did that, and Eric and Nat made some frozen pizza for dinner.
(one goal missed, skipped on the stim/massage treatments)
Evening passed and when it got closer to bed time, I *did* take my sleeping pill and my supplements.
I slept like a rock, the drugs do really help me there, I can tell that I'm getting better sleep because I am dreaming again, and I'm not fighting to get up in the morning.
Morning... I got up and rushed around the house to get us ready to go, in somewhat of my normal routine, but there isn't much structure to it. I did take my be good to yourself and don't have a panic attack pill, so another +1 for me.
During the day, I was too busy to do the stim like I am supposed to, but I held up better as the day went on. I treated myself to a coffee (skim milk, of course) when I was doing the mail and stretched that process out as long as I could to get some rest.
Evening...
This is what I'm most proud of. I got home, spent some time with Nat, then:
1) I showered
2) Got back in the shower a second time to shave (I know, TMI, you'll see where I'm going with this in a minute)
3) Took my supplements
4) Made a very simple dinner, though Nat was already crashed out by this time
5) While dinner was cooking I unloaded the dishwasher, did the dishes in the sink and cleaned the sink (all the while feeling very... fuzzy, it's hard to describe in words how I feel, I'm hoping that the more I write the better it will come to me)
***ADD TO GOALS...*** Go to bed with a clean sink every night
6) Now, I put Nat to bed, had some of my dinner and started writing.
It's only 8:20 pm so I will still have time to do the stim/massage before I take my sleepy pill and crash.

SOOOOOOO....
I will have accomplished all of my tasks for the day and even added a few things in for good measure. While I understand that all of this will seem very menial to the average person and a part of your "normal" day, this is the most that I have done in one evening in some time.

I have a really hard time, even with a new job and a new schedule which is supposed to accommodate my deficits, I still have a very hard time forcing myself to slow down and set a pace for the WHOLE DAY. This seems like a great start, so I am just going to keep at it.

Here she is... Miss Procrastinator

Starting this blog is just one of many things I have been procrastinating. My life has been one continuous procrastination after the next. I think that this is mostly because I am so driven in my working life that I expend all of my resources during the day.

I've just decided that I really need to make some (many, in fact) changes to the way I function day to day. I have had so many life changes in the last few years that I have found that I have become more receptive to the idea of change.

Change is not what I'm afraid of, it's the routine. I have just been without real structure for so long, I seem to struggle with the smallest, regular daily tasks, most of which would improve my over-all quality of life. A lot of my stumbling and excuses are related to my memory and fatigue problems (lasting effects from my surgery), but I suppose I may as well accept these things as part of "normal" for me now and try to push through it.

The first step is committing to print the things that I really need to work on and try to break them into the smallest possible steps.

1) Take meds (including vitamins and sleeping pills which I was leery of) EVERY day and quit ignoring electronic prompts to take them.
2) Develop a basic morning routine and stick to it (during the week days at a minimum)
3) Develop a basic evening routine and stick to it (during the week days at a minimum)
4) Exercise on the weekend days (if we are not out of town) at LEAST 30 minutes at the Y (I got that new membership for a reason, hulllooooh)
5) Use muscle stimulator and massage every day (in the evenings at a minimum) to relieve neck and shoulder problems
6) Write on the accountability blog and potentially elsewhere (possible book thing has been in my brain for about the last 4 years, if not the last 10) for minimum of 1 hour a week

I could list a million other things here related to eating, organization, de-cluttering, and reducing face time on the computer as T has mentioned. However, based on my prior track record I think I should take small steps so that I can record some actual progress and form some new habits before taking on the world.

Eventually, if I don't get immediately overwhelmed, I should post future goals so that I feel like I'm at least acknowledging those things and return to them when I feel I've moved beyond some of the initialI am hoping that the fear of being held accountable to others will help me to stick with this, I know that it's only going to benefit me and those around me, so there is no time like the present to get started.

:) Wish me luck and send me good thoughts.
'berly girl